Booze Hound of The Gods
by silver ruffian
Summary: This is Ambrosia. This is Coyote drunk on Ambrosia. This is how the Gateway Arch looked after Coyote got through with it. Any questions? Like I said, it's Terry's fault.
1. wuv is all around

_**A/N:**_ This is for Thru Terry's Eyes. This is the first time I've ever done a fic that is all dialogue, so I know that some of you will let me know if I need to up the meds and step away from this type of ficlet. Ambrosia is the nectar of the gods, which is probably just a fancy way of saying high end (_real_ high end) booze.

_**Disclaimer:**_ I don't own Dean, Sam, John or Bobby. Or Coyote. Damn, I wish I did.

_**Summary:**_ This is Ambrosia. This is Coyote drunk on Ambrosia. This is how the Gateway Arch looked after Coyote got through with it. Any questions? Like I said, it's Terry's fault.

* * *

"Uh…Coyote?"

"Hi, _Dean!_ Hi, old buddy, old pal…"

"Dude…I thought the Powers That Be blocked you from conjuring up Ambrosia."

"I haf ways, youn' *hic* Skywalker."

"So you're toasted. Three sheets to the wind. Feeling absolutely no pain. Comfortably numb."

"See, tha's why I like you! Ya got mad…obse..ober…obser…skills. You see stuff right. Alla time."

"Gonna tell me what's wrong, or do I have to drag it out of you?"

"Oooh, rough trade. Makes me tingly all over, big boy!"

"No way in hell. _Ever_."

"Why not?"

"You just changed into me in drag. Wearing a long black wig and a silk kimono. And you're busty."

"Wha? I just got in touch wi' my inner…my inner girl an' this…_this_ is how ya treat me? Whassa matter, niño, don't you love me anymore?"

"Uh, look, I want you to sober up, Old Man. _Right the hell now_!"

"Why?"

" 'cause if Sam sees this I'll never hear the end of it. There's a reason his phone has a camera, okay? And he's not afraid to use it."

"Dun't…dun't haf'ta worry 'bout _that_."

"What? Why?"

"Cause I turned Sammy's phone into a teeny tiny little clown. Sammy likes clowns. So I…I changed his phone into a lil' bitty live clown who likes to hide in Sam's pockets. And tickle."

"So that was you. Thought so. Hate to be the one to break it to you, but Clown boy sleeps with the fishes. Nobody torments Sammy but me."

"Yuh...yuh killed 'im?"

"It was suicide. He jumped into the toilet trying to get away. One flush was all it took."

"Damn family…gonna run me crazy one'a these days…"

"So…any particular reason why you changed the Gateway Arch into a giant pretzel? A giant salted pretzel with big googly eyes on it?"

"Thought it was pretty. 'sides, it's low sodium."

"Uh huh. Okay, what's wrong? What the hell is this all about? Damn it, I can't believe I'm havin' a chick flick moment with you right here, right now!"

"You yelled at me!"

"I'm sorry, all right? It's just…you're standing there looking like me in that kimono with the hair and the boobs and it's freaking me _out_, okay?"

"You want me to sing 'I Feel Pretty'?"

"_Hell no._ You butchered that song the first time around."

"What 'bout 'I Kissed A Girl?'"

"What part of '_hell no'_ didn't you understand?"

"You use hurtful words."

"Oh, I do, huh?"

"Yeah. Ya got no 'ppreciation for the…the finer things, Deano."

"Deano?"

"Yep. Deano. Deanie. Deanna. I coulda… I could win _'merican Idol. _Simon an' Randy owe me….big time. And I got dirt on Secrest…"

"I said no. And stop pouting."

"_You_ pout."

"I do_ not_. I _scowl_. It's more _manly_."

"No. You pout. I googled it. Came up under_ Zoolander_."

"That's _Blue Steel_, and _that's _manly."

"Iz not."

"Whatever. Stop twisting my -- _our _-- face that way. You look creepy enough as it is. Okay, what 's this all about?"

"Wha?"

"You've been on a tear for the last day or so. That business with Sam. Bobby winning the lottery. The Grand Canyon..."

"Just thought it needed more holes, tha's all. So many pretty red rocks…."

"That _was_ pretty sweet._ Huh._ Look, don't distract me, all right? And now you went and did_ this_. Dude, I don't think you're in good with the Regional Commerce and Growth Association here."

"I…don't…give…a…darn…damn…fu---"

"I'm almost afraid to ask, but I got to. What the hell is going on with you?"

" 'm…"

"Well?"

"'m happy!"

"You're _what_?"

" 'm happy!"

"Oh."

"See, I nev'r … nev'r kept a fam'ly this long b'fore. Never. They leave. They all lea' me one way or 'nother. But not…not you guys. An'…an' y' know what?"

"Uh, what?"

"I wuv you. I wuv you_ this_ much."

"Oh, crap..."

" I wuv John. An' Sam… an' you. An' an' Bobby...you guys…you…complete…me."

"Oh, brother…"

"You…you don't _wuv _me?"

"I - I do. I just don't need to say it."

"I wanna hear you say you wuv me."

"Damn it…"

"Ain't leavin' 'til you say it."

"Okay, okay. I love you."

"You mean you _wuv_ me."

"Yeah. _That_."

"Say it."

"What? I don't---"

"Say it."

"All right! I wuv you."

"Whazzat? Can't hear you…"

"I WUV YOU! There! Ya happy_ now_? Just in time to make the chopper five segment of the news at noon."

"Do John and Sam and Bobby wuv me?"

"Dude, you're gonna have to ask _them_."

"Okay! An' I wuv Bobby's dogs, an' Bobby's trucks, and the Impala…"

"Uh, could you change back to furry and four-legged? Like right _now_?"

"Okay. How's that?"

"Much damn better."

"My head hurts."

"Gee, color me surprised. How much of that stuff did you _drink_?"

"I dunno. A keg or two."

"Come on home, Old Man. You need to sober up. I know just what you need for that hangover. A greasy pork sandwich served up in a dirty ashtray."

"Can I have a beer with that?"

"Then why the hell would you need to sober up?"

"My pup speaks truth. Gimme a minute...lemme change this Arch thing back to the way it was…"

"Whoa, wait a minute. Let's not be too hasty, now…"

-30-

* * *

As I said before, all complaints should be directed to Terry. Do I really need to up my meds? Terry, you and Phoebe put your hands down!


	2. another hit from the house of hits

_**A/N: **_Well, Terry, you said you fear nothing. We shall see about that.

_**Disclaimer:**_ I don't own Supernatural. This is for entertainment purposes only, not for profit.

* * *

"Hi there, beautiful!"

"_Hey!_ Stop rubbing up against the Impala like that!"

"But I _wuv_ her. An' I'm pitching woo."

"Only thing I wanna see you pitch is a ball."

"Tha's what I'm _doin'_. I got two of 'em, y'know."

"Coyote?"

"An' I got my very own dangly. It's a First dangly, too…"

"Old Man, I'm warnin' you---"

"Okay, Zoolander."

"Didn't I tell you before that I _don't_ pout?"

"Yeah,_ right_, scowly boy."

"_Jesus._ Nothing says dumb idjit like a drunken demi-god."

"Hi, Bobby."

"Hey, Dean. Thanks for unclogging the toilet. I would've done it myself, but those tiny drowned clown bodies get caught up in that u joint, you catch hell trying to get 'em out. And explainin' to a plumber how the hell that happened again is not my idea of a fun afternoon."

"_Again_? Uh…not your first time at this particular rodeo?"

"Nope. I've lost count. No tellin' what else is down there in those sewers."

"Oh."

"_Damn_. I gotta go see about that baked chicken in the oven."

"You're gonna leave me out here alone with a drunken demi-god?"

"In a New York minute, boy. As fond as I am of that old furry fool, I'm not lettin' a baked chicken burn to a crisp, even if he did arrange for me to win the lottery. You can handle this, Dean."

"Hey, Dad."

"Hey, son! I can't get Sam to come out from behind the sofa. Keeps saying 'Can't move, clown will eat me'. What the hell is _that_ all about?"

"That's _Sam_, Dad."

"Did you ev'r know tha' you're my...my hero…hic…"

"Here we go…"

"An' …an' everythin' I would… like to….be…"

"Damn, this is embarrassing--"

"I can fly high-er than…a…eagle…for you are… the wind…beneath my…wings…Hi, Papa John!"

"Oh my God…"

"Hello, Old Man. Got some black coffee in the back if you want it."

"Nope! I wanna greasy pork sandwich in a dirty ashtray. An' a beer."

"Yeah…right. I think you better stick to the black coffee."

"Dun't wan' no stinkin' black coffee."

"Suit yourself."

"I wuv you. Ya know _that_, don't cha?"

"I suspected as much."

"You knew already? Aw, I wanted to su…sur…sub…sur-pri-se you."

"You did. You do. Every damn day, Old Man."

"No shit? Geez!"

"Dean, where's he goin'?"

"Did you ever know… that you're my her-o…You're…hic… every-thin' I wish I could be…"

"Who knows?"

"I don't believe this."

"He's happy."

"He's ---what?"

"He's happy we didn't ditch him, so he ties one on. You got anything in the journal about hangovers?"

"For humans I know a trick or two, but for Tricksters? You're on your own, son."

"Damn!"

"An' I'm down to get the fric-tion on…so, ladies…yeah…ladies…yeah…"

"Uh, Dean…"

"If you wanna roll in my Mercedes…yeah…"

"Dad?"

"Then turn around, stick it out, even white boys got to shout…"

"Oh God, don't tell me…he's after the Impala again?"

"Baby got back!"

"Yep."

"Oh, baby I wanna get with ya, an' take your picture…"

"Hey!"

"My homeboys tried to warn me…oooops!"

"Come back here!"

"'m _drunk_, niño, not _estúpido_!"

"Damn. I never knew Dean could run that fast, John. Old Man's four legged, and he can't shake the kid. Beer?"

"Thanks, Bobby. Knew those endurance runs would pay off sometime."

"Ah, it's been a good day so far."

"Yep. Damn good beer."

* * *

"Baby, I'm sorry. When I saw what he was doing to you I wanted to claw my eyes out. I'll never let that happen to you again. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"Hey, Dean."

"Hey, Sam. Dude, you okay?"

"Yeah, now I am. That tiny clown really freaked me out."

"Sam…"

"Crawled underneath my shirt and I still don't know where he got that damn feather---"

"Sammy—"

"And those tiny fingers of his. And I think that bastard was using his tongue, too ---"

"Sam—"

"---left tiny little cherry red lip prints all over my stomach—"

"Dude! Way too much info!"

"But I thought you wanted to know---"

"Sam, it's over. Let it go."

"Okay. Uh, Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"You're standing there with your hand raised like you're Storm from the X-Men. And you got a raincloud directly over the Impala."

"Yeah?"

"The cloud is raining on the Impala, Dean."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious."

"Huh. That _is_ pretty damn impressive. Why don't you just wash the car by hand?"

"Don't ask, Sam. Just…don't ask."

* * *

_**A/N:**_ 'Can't move, clown will eat me' – stolen, I mean,_ borrowed_ from Lisa Simpson. Storm is the weather goddess in _X Men_. My apologies to her, too. My muse has already informed me that there will be a third and final part to this opus, posted Saturday. Why? 'Cause that's the kinda muse she is.

Reviews are much appreciated.


	3. tastes like chicken

_**A/N:**_ This is the third and final installment of this crack fic. A little background just in case you're not familiar with the Coyote 'verse. Crow Mother is the head of all kachinas. Bear is a kachina who just happens to look exactly like actor Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile. Kachinas are supernatural entities that influence the natural world. The kiva is Coyote Kiva – Iskiva – near Oraibi at Hopi. It's a place where spirits and kachinas and tricksters gather. I also put in one of my favorite bits from "Hancock." It's the return of tiger!Dean, and "Sam Padalecki" is the alias Coyote used in "Zen and The Art of Throwing Cows At Tricksters."

And here's the obligatory _**Disclaimer**_: I don't own Supernatural, or any of the other characters and corporations that are mentioned in this fic. This is for entertainment only, not profit.

* * *

_**Chapter 3 – tastes like chicken**_

"Well, well. Look what the coyote dragged in."

"Shut the hell up, Rabbit. I need to crash here for a while."

"No need to get salty with me, mutt. That temper of yours is the reason we broke up in the first place. What I ever saw in your boorish ass is beyond me."

"If memory serves me correctly, I ditched you. They always told me never sleep with anyone crazier than me. And they were right."

"Well, uh, I'm afraid there's no more room here in the kiva, Old Man. Don't think you're gonna find any Impalas around here to hump, anyway."

"What? Who told you?"

"That baby's got back? Old Man, everybody knows."

"Damn."

"My homeboys tried to warn me, but that butt you got—"

"SHUT. THE HELL. UP. NOW."

"...."

"And what the hell do you mean the kiva is booked solid? This place is infinite, remember?"

"Something's come up."

"What the hell? What are these damn elves doin' here?"

"Uh, they're friends of mine. I invited them over."

"You what? Crow Mother's out of town, isn't she? That's the only way you'd ever have the nerve enough to pull crap like this. Let me get this straight. I'm the founding father of this place, and I can't get a room, but you let the Keebler elves crash here all they want?"

"Crow Mother left me in charge, and they can stay because I say they can."

"I don't give a damn if they shoot rainbows and stardust out of their asses. I want them gone and I want them gone NOW!"

"Here now, you mangy mutt. What's all the fuss about?"

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Ernie. Head Elf, asshole."

"What?"

"Away with you, you flea bitten asshole."

"Call me an asshole one more time."

"Ass---ARRRGGGHHHH---***"

"Dude, Coyote just ate Ernie!"

"Gee, what do you know. They don't taste like cookies. They taste like chicken. Uncommonly good."

"Uh, Coyote---"

"Bet I can't eat just one."

"Now see here, Old Man, that's a different company altogether."

"Yep. And there goes Buckets, and Fast Eddie, and Doc…"

"Ewww---"

* * *

"Uh, Dean?"

"Hi, Dad."

"Son, you're gonna rust the Impala out with all that rain. Put the storm cloud away, son."

"...."

"I think it's time for us to have a talk."

"Okay."

"Son, I know you're upset, and I know what Coyote did to the car. Thing is….you gotta forgive him. He's one of us."

"But, Dad…"

"Dean, hear me out. It was a stupid, dumb ass move. I'm not denying that, but I think you oughta cut the Old Man a break. Just a little fatherly advice, son. "

"I'll…think about it."

"Now I'm not saying you shouldn't mess with him a little. That's what family's for. But whatever you decide, it's up to you."

"Okay."

"And just so you know, I'll never look at that right rear bumper quite the same way again."

"Dad, you're not helping…"

"I know. This isn't Leave It To Beaver, kiddo."

* * *

"Hey, Dean."

"Hi, Bear."

"Uh, I brought beer."

"What, no Ambrosia, huh?"

"Nah. Just premium beer. Hey look, I heard about the Old Man. And…what he did to your car."

"You heard? What, is there a webcam is something set up around here?"

"A virtual newsletter. Real time. Updated hourly."

"We…we're on line?"

" Yeah. We get articles from the demon newsletter sometimes too. Your family has its own webpage."

"Damn."

"You okay, kid?"

"I don't get it. I already told him that I wuvved ---loved him."

"You did? Damn. I woulda bought him a Hallmark card and called it a day. Look, kid, don't be so hard on the old fool, alright? Nobody's ever hung around him this long. I mean nobody. Well, I gotta go. Disney Corporation's breaking ground on a new theme park in New Mexico. I gotta convince them it's a bad idea."

"You're gonna screw with the Mouse? Dude, good luck with that."

"No prob, Bob. I'm not the one that's gonna need it."

* * *

"Finally came slinking back, huh?"

"Uh…yeah. Hey, look, niño, I'm… I'm sorry. Anything I can do to make it up to you."

"I don't know. You violated the Impala. Wish I could get that image outta my head."

"No more Ambrosia. I'm quitting cold turkey. I'll make it up to you somehow."

"Yeah? You think the only way you can make up for this is by bribing me with some big gift, huh?"

"Yeah. Is it working?"

"Hell no. What'd you have in mind anyway?"

"I got nothin'. I can find something, though…hold on, I got to take this."

"Dude, where the hell did that cell phone come from?"

"Hello? Yeah, this is Sam Padalecki. Oh, hi, Anne. What's up? Uh huh. Photoshoot huh? PETA? I'll have to get back with you on that. Call you right back."

"What?"

"That was Anne Tyler. The photographer from America's Top Model, remember? PETA's doing a photoshoot. 'Fur is murder' kind of thing. You were the first and only personable large fur-bearing critter Anne thought of. They can shoot it tomorrow."

"So?"

"She wants you. Well, tiger!Dean to pose. You'd have to shape shift again."

"Not interested."

"You'd be posing with Jessica Alba, Charlize Theron, and Megan Fox."

"Still not interested."

"Playing hardball, huh, kid? They'll be in the nude, using you as a cover."

"What the hell are we standing around here for? Let's go!"

"Damn. You lasted longer than I thought you would. You shifted into that white tiger pretty damn quick, grasshopper."

"I'm a professional. It's a dirty job but somebody's gotta do it."

"So. We good?"

"Yeah. We're good. And if you ever touch my girl like that again you'll be singing soprano."

"Understood."

"You set that up, didn't you?"

"I was hoping she'd call."

"Okay, lemme shift back and go tell Sam and Bobby we're…wait a minute. Is that Jessica Rabbit on the porch with Dad?"

"Yep. Damn Rabbit."

"Rabbit?"

"Trickster. Things got a little ugly at the kiva. Now she's tryin' to mess me up here at home."

"Jessica Rabbit is a trickster?"

"Jessica Rabbit is also Bugs Bunny, Why d'ya think that she and Roger Rabbit divorced? She -- _he_ -- played both sides of the fence. Roger ain't as open-minded as some folks."

"Damn. And dad's goin for her, too!"

"What man wouldn't?"

"Not on my watch. Hey!"

* * *

From the Wacky and Weird files on TMZ:

Rumor has it that the long-awaited sequels to "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" and "Space Jam" has been put on hold again, due to the disappearance of Jessica Rabbit and Bugs Bunny. Studio executives declined to comment.

* * *

I appreciate everyone who's read and reviewed, who put this on their story/author alerts, and who lurked. We all share the blame for this story equally. Thank you all!


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